Malley

I am heartbroken, and haven’t felt physical heartbreak like this in a while. Yesterday I was not ok. Yesterday was a day I’ve been dreading for the last 10 years, at least (if not more). Last night, Malley went to go play with the angels.

He had 22 wonderful years, which is quite the run. That is 104, in human years.
He’s badass like that. He was with me from when I was 13-35 now, which is a lot of life. 67% of my life, in fact. He has been with me through literally everything. Some middle school years, high school years, he lived in my college house with my roomies & I, my Mom flew him out to LA to live with me on the West Coast, he flew back with me when I moved back home, he was with me at all my first apartments and forays into adult hood. When it was just me, it wasn’t just me because it was him & I. My Mom says he had more miles on him than she has, because I have a lot of miles on me and he went everywhere I went. He was with me growing up, has seen all of my boyfriends, knew all my secrets. He was a great mouser and hunter (like I said…badass). Last year, at 21, he killed 9 — yes NINE — mice. 21 in cat years is 100 in human years. #BOSS Even when Cash entered the picture, Cash knew that Malley was the alpha in the rank. And it was true. Our 100+ lb dog would let little 5 lb Malley walk right in front of him, and eat his dinner out of his dog bowl. Cash is an attention hungry dog, but also knew that when Malley walked up or wanted the attention at the same time, Cash would back off and be quiet, because Malley wins, always.
The last couple weeks of his decline has consumed me and been heart wrenching, as I dreaded what I knew was now becoming an actuality soon: The saying goodbye. I was in denial for a little while. Truly. Even though logically I know he’s a cat and cats can’t live forever, I thought maybe if I just give him the right things, he would bounce back and be his spunky self, like he always has. He was there for me all those years when I needed comforting; now was my time to step up to the plate for him. I wanted to do absolutely everything in my power for him, to keep him out of pain and his quality of life going as best and long as I could. I am grateful for a job that let me stay home and close to him, as I was checking on him every spare minute, and able to keep on top of his medication/pain meds schedule and monitor him. I had medications from the vet to help him with everything: things to stimulate his appetite, things to keep him regular, things to make him not nauseated, pain meds, fluids every other day. Offer him various foods, water, whatever he would eat (even when he would just turn his head at various things I’d offer). He eventually stopped eating, and became too tired and too weak to even walk. He wanted to lay on things that were flat, and the floor was the most comfortable, so I set him up with the softest blanket and with a low heating pad underneath. The last night of his life (the night before last night), I knew it would be coming soon and didn’t want to leave him so I pulled up a pillow and blanket and slept on the floor next to him, with my hand on him the whole night, so I could feel the rise & fall of his breathing body. I didn’t sleep well that night at all, not that I expected to, sleeping on the floor next to him. Every time he would stir from sleep and lift his head up, I would be there, and quietly say “Hey Bud!” Or “Hey Sweetheart!” And gently stroke him. I gave him his pain meds at 2:30am when it was time to, and he went back to sleep. (I didn’t.) I don’t regret any of it. It was clear to me at one point during the afternoon, he was mostly gone but his body was still hanging on. As soon as I clocked out, I went back to be with him, and was determined in my mind to stay with him until his last breath, whenever that may be. That’s the last thing I wanted to give to him, that I could give to him. So again I laid down on the floor with him in the dark, with my hand on him and my head up against his, and waited. Waited for his body to wind down, like a clock. I said my goodbyes to him. I thought about all the phases of life he’s been with me through. I cried. I prayed over him (I have prayed over him lots these past couple weeks). And I prayed for God & Mary & my Grandparents that have passed on to take care of him and help him go. I told him I don’t know what I’ll do without him, but I want him to go. We will be with each other again someday. He took his last breaths around 8:58pm last night.

22 years of memories.

I love you, My Malley Boy. Rest easy.