Ryelee

I REMEMBER
By MR. RYELEE-DOG DUNN.
And his Little Brother AJ
As dictated to Mr. Billy-Boy Dunn; (AKA Dr. William J Dunn)

I Remember;

I am just an Old Papillion, but my story needs told.

When I left my Home;
I was no more than a Pup.
In the company of strangers,
And the roar of an Cessna engine;
Trembling, Scared.

Then YOU picked me up, held me close and said;

“Welcome Home Ryelee, and Welcome to the Family!”

And I knew then.
I was Home, and had found the Ones I was created for,
And destined to Love.
And we would share a Love
Like none other!

I Remember;

Your pride, when,in that Special Puppy class
I chose YOU!
To lead me,
To comfort me,
To care for me.
To show me the beauty of Life, Love, Happiness, Joy; (AND FUN!!)
And so many other things
In a way neither of us had ever before realized!

I Remember;

That day by the Lake; When I jumped into the water.
I had never been in water before, and I was soooo scared!
Then I turned,
And there You were!
Smiling, laughing, reassuring,
So full of Love for me!
I knew then,
That it was going to be alright;
Both in and out of the water!
And that you would always be there.
And would never let anything bad happen to me!

I Remember;

At the Home up on the hill,
Early every morning you would let us out,
Me and Little Brother AJ,
And we would CHARGE Up the hill, in the early morning dew!
Little Brother AJ would peel off and give screaming flight
To the Vicious, Red Winged Condor;
(Or, Cardinal, to the Papillion-deprived!)
And I would tear up that hill,
Tree those Deadly, Saber-Toothed squirrels,
And I would look back down the hill,
At You,
And I would shout;

“Did you see me Daddy? Did you see? Did you see?”
I almost got those `ol Squirrels!!

And you would laugh, and say
“Yes, my Beloved,
I saw you! You almost got `em that time!
And they better watch out! You`ll get `em next time!

And I was so proud!

I Remember;

That Park,
The one you called Ryelee’s Park,
Because you thought it was my favorite?

I never told you, get
But the reason I loved it so,
Was because You were there with me!
And You so enjoyed watching me chase those ‘ol field mice!

I Remember;

All those trails we went on,
Strutting,prancing, questing so proudly!
You Loved to watch
how me and Little Brother AJ,
We would strut MAGNIFICENTLY
down that Trail,
So close, As if joined at the hip!
You laughed and called us “Siamese Papillons!”
And how all the people on the trail would admire us!

*Transcribers note
(Because you two were so very Beautiful, Ryelee! So FULL of life, joy, Fun!! How could ANYONE not admire you! Everyone knew you two were special!!)

How wonderful those many times and places were!
Because We were together.
The Beauty of those special places was made Special,
Because we Loved each other so much!

I Remember;

When You had to leave us.
When You HAD TO GO,
To someplace called “work”? Your Practice?
How I hated to be apart from You!
And I know You did too,
Because You told me so!

But,
You also told me that You

“Would always come back to Me!”.

And You always did!

Oh, how I loved to see You come smiling through that Door!
I was beside myself with Joy, and Happiness, and LOVE!!
And I sensed in You that same indescribable JOY and Happiness!
And Love!

Oh, the Love we had for one another!
It made our World, my Life, so wonderful! So complete.

I Remember;

When at one of our Special Doggie Schools,
(For Special Doggies, natch!)
When we were tested at the end of the course,
And you told me;
Down! Stay!
And of course, I did.
Because, as You often told me,
I was a very good Papillion!

But, this time,
For some reason,
I got scared when You walked away,
And turned around, away from me!

I didn’t understand;
You wouldn’t look at me!
And I thought,

Somethings wrong!

And I rushed to be by Your side!
Then I heard from You those dreaded words.

No! Stop!

And I realized, too late,
That for all of our “training,”

I had let You down.

And I knew, and had prepared myself for
A well-deserved Scolding.
But,

I`ll never forget!
You came to me.
Walked me gently back to my place.
Told me to lay down.
And then,
You stroked my back!
Soooo Lovingly!
Right where you knew was my favorite spot!
And told me that it was OK.
That I was a Very Good Pappy,
And that You would always Love me!
NO MATTER WHAT!

Wow.
WOW!
I screwed up.
And instead of a scolding,
You said that You would always Love me!

Later that night, after we had come Home,
Little Brother AJ told me that,
That had resulted in me and You
Losing First Place.
And, Of Course,
That meant that He and Mommy
Had won First Place!
(Sometimes Little Brother AJ could be such a pain in my Fuzzy Butt!)

But;

I Remember;

Later,
You must have known that I was feeling real bad.
About letting You down.
And you came and found me in my Cave.
(Which was actually Your closet, where your essence was comfortingly all around me)

And You held me, and told me not to feel bad
That we could NEVER let each other down,
Not when it counted!
And,
That I was now,
And would always be,

“The Best in My Show,
And the Champion of My Heart!

Golly!
It just doesn’t get any better than that!
Am I one lucky Pappy, or what?

So many good times.
So much Happiness!
So much Joy!
And so much FUN!!! Oh the FUN we had!!
You made everything an adventure!!
So much LIFE! , so much!

As full of ourselves as we were;
We couldn’t believe how lucky we were!!

Many, Many happy years would pass;
Until;

I Remember;

When my Heart, So full of Love for You,

Began to fail.

Something called “Congestive Heart Failure Secondary to Mitral Valve Insufficiency”
Yeah, Whatever.
They gave me “a couple of months,,,,maybe.
Guess we showed them, didn’t we? It was almost two years!
And it wasn’t’ my “bad heart” that got me!
They just did”n’t know what a team we were,
You being You,
And me being a Pap! (Mostly me being a Pap!)

I Remember;
After we learned of my diagnosis
After a long night spent together,
Talking. Sharing. Caring. Loving! Planning.
But most of all;
LOVING.

After we sang in that dawn,
And every morning after,
When you went into your bathroom and closed the door,
(Never have figured out why you humans are so hung up on this thing you call “privacy”??)
I remember how I would rare back on my hind legs
And CRASH against that door!
You would open up,
I would strut in to the fluffy red rug that Mommy had found for me,
Circle once, FLOP down,
And HUFF at you!

“How dare you?” You know My Policy on Closed Doors!”
(All Pap People know this Policy well.)

And then, to make matters worse,
You would “sing” to me!

“You are My Sunshine”
“The Shadow of your Smile”
“Dear Heart”
“Oh Ryelee Boy” (OK, it`s actually “OH Danny Boy”, but that’s not the way we sang it!)
And my personal favorite,
“Somewhere Over the Rainbow”
(Actually, that’s where I ended up. But that comes later, and in a way that neither of us could have predicted.)
It was the only time I ever regretted my superior hearing!
We used to harmonize all night long
And we laughed, SOO hard!

It was all part of the game.
But, even then,
I could feel your pain.
As You watched me.
As You realized that one day, all too soon,

I would not be there.

I Remember;

How You and Mommy cared for me.
You found ways to make my “Pill Time” so very fun!
You would say “Run! Jump on the Bed”!
And I would; and You would chop up
My many pills, and wrap them
In various delicious goodies.
Prosciutto Ham was my favorite!
(Dr. Bills note; OF COURSE! NOTHING BUT THE BEST WOULD DO FOR YOU!)

I Remember;

When I had to go out,so often through the night,
Because of the Pills,
How I used to belly crawl up above Your head
And lick Your face, until you would wake up!
(I knew you were already awake, it was all just part of the game!)
Then You would whisper softly to me.
Tell me of your Love.
Reassure me that you had my Back.
That everything would be OK.
Because You would never let anything bad happen to me!

Then we would Laugh, LAUNCH off the bed!
Out, into the night! Into the Backyard/Jungle of our imagination!

I Remember;

Much Later, In those last couple weeks.
I seemed to know, seemed to sense something.
(We Paps are like that, we know things even YOU don’t!)
Coming in, after all the fun we had at night,
Out in the backyard/jungle of our imagination.
When, back in bed,
I would steal up beside you,
Reach out my paw, and softly,
EVER so softly;
Push on your side.

I knew then. I knew.
It would not be OK;
It would never be OK, again.
That despite this magnificent Love we shared,
Despite everything you were doing for me,
and would continue to do;

I would have to leave you.
All to soon.

And you Held me.
Just Held Me.
As you had for so, so many years.
You tried to reassure me.

But I felt Your tears, your fears,
And, I felt the pain in your Heart.

Great pair, weren’t we?
Lying in bed together,
Loving each other so much,
That it hurt?

But,
Realizing that “Life measure quality; not its length”,

We went on.

Until THAT night.
Until That horrible night.

I Remember;

That horrible night!

I don’t know what caused me to miss,
That long hassock Mommy had placed by our bed,
So I wouldn’t hurt myself when I jumped down.

But I did miss.

And, I did hurt myself.

Something in my back,

And suddenly,
My back end wouldn’t work!
I couldn’t move my hind legs!
And it hurt!
It hurt so bad!
So I dragged myself into my Cave;

And then, quickly
There You Were!

You so very gently picked me up,
Held me close, and said;

“I got you”

And immediately, I felt better. Reassured.
You were there!
You would take care of me!
As You had for all of my life.
And nothing bad could happen
That You couldn’t fix!

But; I still hurt.
And I still couldn’t move my hind legs.
And,
I could feel something in you,
Something I had never felt before!

Fear!!!!
You were scared!!
YOU?
Were Scared??

YOU???

You took me to Mommy, While you called and got dressed
She held me close, and whispered her Love
And deep concern for me.

She was scared also.

Then you came back, and, together,
You carried me out to the Car.
The Car I loved so much!
As it had carried me and AJ to so many wonderful places!
But;
We were not going to any of those places,
Not that night.
NOT that horrible night.

I Remember;

Mommy wanted to come,
But had to stay with AJ.
Who was also scared!
For me?
FOR ME!
Because He Loved me too!

Mommy placed me gently in the front seat,
In my bed that You had carried out so I would be comfortable.
She hugged me softly,
Told me how much She loved me.

But I could tell;
She didn’t think she would ever see me again!
And She was so scared, so sad,,
I wanted to reach out to her,
Tell her that everything would be all right!
That You had me!
And You would never let anything bad happen to me!

But,
I couldn’t move my back legs to go to her.
And,
It. Still. Hurt!

I Remember,

As we raced through town, late in that night,
You were there!
You put your hand on my chest,
Where you knew I liked to be scratched!
I held your hand there with my front paw,
Which I could still move.
At least then.

When we got to the Doctor Place,
They wouldn’t let You go into the back with me,
Even though they knew You were a People Doctor!

*Transcribers note;
OH, I WAS so very Proud of You, My Beloved! Then, and ALWAYS! But especially then!

But.
I still hurt.
And, I still could not move my back legs!
I was so scared!
So scared!

They put their needles in me,
And gave me stuff that helped me relax,
And stop the hurt.
But said they couldn’t give me too much,
Because of my “Bad Heart”
I wish I could have told them
That my Heart was FINE!!
That You and Mommy Had taken such good care of me!
How were we supposed to know?

We were “Running Against the Wind.”

Finally,
After they had taken all their “pictures”
And drawn all their tests,
They put me in a soft, warm place,
And let You come back and be with me.
Then, you took me In your arms,
And held me,
so close, so tenderly, so Lovingly;
Gosh!
I was NEVER so happy to see You!
I knew that if You were there,
You would not let anything bad happen to me!
I wanted so much to dance up on my hind legs,
Because, as I danced,
I would push my head through my outstretched front paws!
Which you told me once that you had never seen any Pap do before!

But.
I still couldn’t move my hind legs.
And even my front paws were getting stiff!
Hard to move.

And I still hurt!

I Remember;

You had some long, agonizing talks with them;
I could tell You were dealing with some very tough issues!
And; You were hurting!
Bad, so BAD

But I knew it would be all right!
You were there!
You would never let anything bad happen to me!
You told me so!
On that night, and so many others.
And I believed it.
I believed in YOU!
All through my Life,
You had always been there for me!
You Loved Me!
How could anything go wrong?

I Remember;

After all the talks;
After all was said and done,
They left You with me, In that room.
And You held me in your arms!
SO LOVINGLY!
And I felt so better,
Knowing it was just me and You.

And now;
You would make things right!
And we could go Home!
And be with You and Mommy!
Yes, and even Little Brother AJ!
(Even though he was a pain in the Patootey, We did Love each other!)

Golly, I so wanted to go home!
SO BAD!!!

But.
I still hurt.
And I still could not move my back legs!
And it was getting worse!

I Remember;

They left us alone in there.
For a long time.
And I could tell that You were hurting so VERY much!
And You were so Scared!
We talked. You and I.
For a long, LONG time.
You told me again and again,
How much you Loved me,
How much You wanted me to be out of pain;
That I was “Paralyzed”, A Quadriplegic.
(Whatever that is)
And I would always be in pain due to “Degenerative Disc Disease.”
(Yeah, yeah, yeah. As long as I could be with you,,,,,)

And that nothing could be done.

You see, You and I;
We could always communicate without talking!
We KNEW what each other was thinking!
And, more importantly,
We knew what was in each other’s HEART.

I Remember;

All the many things we talked about,
About how You didn’t want me to go,
About how Your life would be so very empty
About all the Joy, and Beauty, Light,
And Love!
Especially, the Remarkable Love!
The Love Like No Other!
That I had brought into Your Life!
About how You didn’t believe You could go on,

Without me.

It was then that I understood.
That my days, so full of Life, Love, Joy.,,,,

Were coming to an end.

That I had run out of Tomorrows.

That no matter how much WE wanted too;

I wasn’t going Home.

Anymore.

We had always thought
You and I,
We would live forever!!
Be together always!!!
But,
Now I saw,
Now, I could see.
That it was time for me to Go.
That I, would have to leave You.
That You would have to stay behind.
That this time,
You would not be able to come back for me.

Anymore.

Oh, How I wanted to reach out to You!
Tell You of my Love!
But most of all,

MY TRUST.

That You would do “The Right Thing”
That You would do what was best,
For Me.
“Even if it meant we would have to be apart!”

You see;
I knew that With a Love such as ours,
Nothing could keep us apart !!
NOT Even Death!
That this would just be; A temporary thing!
I knew,
That even though we HAD to part,
And that we would grieve so horribly,
And miss each other so very terribly!

You need to understand something here;
That it is in MY nature, that even in my pain,
My panic that I couldn’t move, my fear of the Journey
I was about to undertake,

WITHOUT YOU,

I WAS MORE CONCERNED FOR YOU,
FOR YOUR PAIN, YOUR FEAR, YOUR PANIC!
I COULD FEEL THE AWFUL PAIN IN YOUR HEART!
AND I WANTED SO BAD FOR YOU TO KNOW,

That my overwhelming feeling was NOT of betrayal,

But gratitude.

That’s right,

GRATITUDE! !

Along with the most amazing LOVE!
You and Mommy have given me the MOST WONDERFUL LIFE
Any Pap could ever hope for!
YOU took us EVERYWHERE with you!
You made our Lives revolve about each other!
ALL OVER THE COUNTRY; all the people! All the Family!
YOU MADE US YOUR FAMILY!
YOU took me on HUNDREDS of Trails! Some with Big Names,
Some with small names, some with no names,
But all with the most wonderful sights,
Marvelous sounds,,and,the most delicious SMELLS!! AND FUN!
But most of all, the all-encompassing, tremendous LOVE!!!
OH, we SO LOVED each other. It made my Life
The BEST IT POSSIBLY BE!

NOBODY EVER HAD IT ANY BETTER!

And for that, and many other things,
WHAT I feel FOR YOU, IS,
the most incredible LOVE and GRADITUDE!
FOR YOU!

I even remember, early on, when I was still jealous Of AJ, Because he was “First Pap” and I thought I had to “earn” my way into Mommys Heart;
When I picked up my favorite toy, a big Cloth ring,
and flipped it over my head, for Mommy to see me!

She looked at me, and said,

“My Little Clown!”

With such Love in her voice, and her eyes;
And her Heart!

Silly me. I thought I needed to earn my way into Her Heart;
I didn’t realize.
I was already there!

You and I of course, were already an item!

Now, for the hard part.
You need to NOT let my leaving tear such a hole In your Heart.
You see, there are others of my type, who need you!
Who need, and deserve, your incredible LOVE!

Of course, it won’t be as ours.
That, My Beloved Heart Human,
Could never be surpassed.
We, are an “ALL TIME HIGH!”
A Once in a Lifetime Love.
Of course,The thing about a Once in a Lifetime Love is,
It only comes about, well,
Once in a Lifetime!

They will bring their own Love,
You will bring what they need.
And, in so doing, THEY will bring what YOU NEED!
Funny how that works, aint it?
God really knew what he was doing,
When He created Me and You for each other, didn’t He?

You see, it is also in the Nature of my Kind,
It’s not so much That we Love,
but that we ARE Love!
(Go Figgure!)
And, with their Love, they will help you heal.
Believe me, NOTHING will EVER change the LOVE I feel for you, my Beloved Heart Human.
WHEREVER I end up, I will wait for the wonderful day
That we are reunited. “Your Place I`ll Hold”,,,
If it helps, think of how wonderful a day that will be!!!
I CAN’T WAIT!!!

But, as for now; I know something!
That EVEN YOU don’t!
Something that You had ALWAYS told me!

That,
YOU WOULD ALWAYS COME BACK FOR ME!
And you always did!

But,
This time,

I, WOULD COME BACK,

FOR YOU!!

(Dr. Bill takes over here)

Ok, My Beloved.
That’s enough.,,,, For now. I can’t take it anymore.
It Hurts too bad; Now and always.

What transpired in Our Last Moments Together;
When the Angels came for You,
Is, And shall remain,

Between You and I.

And Our Lord.

Until we meet again.

And, My Beloved,
You can “Come back for me”
Any Time.
I’m so ready to be with You again!
Revisit that Wondrous Love,
That only You and I Shared!

I will tell you this;
That when you left me, When I felt you go,
It tore my Heart into pieces.
I have NEVER felt such Pain.
And, quite spontaneously,
I Prayed.
I Prayed the hardest, most sincere Prayer
I have EVER Prayed!
I Asked, Begged, Pleaded with God
To put you at His Right Hand,
And to take very GOOD care of You!
That You were the BEST EVER !
And that You so hated to be apart from us
AND,
I didn’t want to wait.

Still don’t.

I really, REALLY need to be with You again!
That I already missed you So very badly.
And I needed Him to help me,
Because I didn’t know what to do.
How could I go on?
Without You?

I still don’t Know!lll

AFTERWORD.

So.
Why do we do this, you think?
Why do we, We “Happy Few”
Why do we put our Hearts out there?
When we know it will end badly for us,
and Them??
Pap People call them “Heart Dogs.”
Probably because, when they leave,
They take our Heart with Them.
And what little is left,,,,,Is Badly Broken.
I never realized what that meant;;;

Until Ryelee left.

One thing;
Ryelee didn’t “leave”.
He wasn’t “Put to sleep”
Wasn’t “Put Down”
He was,,,,,Put to Death.
Because it was
“The Right Thing to Do.”

He hadn’t done anything wrong,
Hadn’t committed any crime.
He was a Victim.
And; what’s worse for me;
He Understood;
He Trusted Me!

AND HE FORGAVE ME!

How can you call yourself Human,
And not carry a load of pain for that?
I try to think of it as an “Ascension”
I have to believe He’s in Heaven, waiting for me.

I think it was Will Rogers who said,

“If Dogs don’t go to Heaven,
Then When I die,
Send me where They go!”

Me Too, Will!

Surely God has a place for these Loving, Loyal, Sentient little Beings,
So redolent of Gods Perfect Love.

If not, Then When I die, Just Turn out the Lights.
`Cause it is well and truly over.

I even hesitate to call them “Dogs”
As they seem so much more.
Their Love; So different, So much more special,
Than that of us mere Humans.

Perhaps,
I only thought I knew Love
Before.
It seems as if now, my Life is measured as
Before, And After.

As I write these lines, it has been
Two years, five months, one week and 3 Days
Since Ryelee’s “Ascension”.
And it’s getting better.
Sort of.
Kinda.
More or Less. (As it were)

I no longer call His Name, in anguish.
(At least not as much.)
I No longer feel His Presence.
At least, not all the time.
I No longer feel Him FLOP(!) against my leg at night.
At least, not every night.

OK;
I still weep sometimes. Mostly in the shower.
I still think I see Him sometimes,
As movement, just out of view.

One so very kind Lady (Betty H) told me,
“That’s Him! Checking to see you are all right!”
Dear Lord I hope She’s right!

My Life still seems so very empty.
I can’t walk anywhere that I don’t see Him.
“I Remember” all the “special times”,
When we walked there.
He’s been everywhere in my Life.
So many precious memories.
So many “I Remembers”

Still. Miss. Him.
SO MUCH!
I guess I always will.
Especially since His “Little Brother AJ”
Our Beloved “First Pap” Has also left us, at (only!) 15.
Six months ago.
(OK, Six months, three weeks, two days)
Victim of an aggressive Cancer.
Also, in our arms.
“Doing the Right Thing”
His Story also deserves told.

Another Time; this is too hard.

Another Beloved?
Maybe.
NAW, this hurts too much.
Perhaps?
Probably.
Of COURSE!!!
In the Fullness of Time.
I know You are right Ryelee;
There is a Pap out there.
Somewhere. Perhaps unborn.
Perhaps languishing in some hot/cold
Miserable, Awful puppy mill.8
Awaiting our Rescue Heroes to come save them!

And perhaps;
They already have my name Etched on their Heart!

Dear LORD; Heavenly Father;
Make it be so!
Please?
Let it happen? Let it Be?
Please?
I so need that beautiful, unique kind of Love in my Life.
I know it won’t be as Ryelee’s, or AJ’s
Nothing could ever replace that Love.
They will bring their own special Love.

And by the way; Thank You!
THANK YOU!!
For the privilege of being Loved by these rare, Very special little Beings! YOUR CREATIONS!

Their Love, and all that entailed, was priceless.
It’s as close as I will ever get;

To Yours.

I REMEMBER
By MR. RYELEE-DOG DUNN.
And his Little Brother AJ
As dictated to Mr. Billy-Boy Dunn; (AKA Dr. William J Dunn)

I Remember;

I am just an Old Papillion, but my story needs told.

When I left my Home;
I was no more than a Pup.
In the company of strangers,
And the roar of an Cessna engine;
Trembling, Scared.

Then YOU picked me up, held me close and said;

“Welcome Home Ryelee, and Welcome to the Family!”

And I knew then.
I was Home, and had found the Ones I was created for,
And destined to Love.
And we would share a Love
Like none other.

I Remember;

Your pride, when I chose YOU!
To lead me,
To comfort me,
To care for me.
To show me the beauty of Life, Love, Happiness, Joy;
And so many other things
In a way neither of us had ever before realized!

I Remember;

That day by the Lake; When I jumped into the water.
I had never been in water before, and I was soooo scared!
Then I turned,
And there You were.
Smiling, laughing, reassuring,
So full of Love for me!
I knew then.
That it was going to be all right;
Both in and out of the water!
And that you would always be there.
And would never let anything bad happen to me!

I Remember;

At the Home up on the hill,
Early every morning you would let us out
Me and Little Brother AJ,
And we would CHARGE Up the hill, in the early morning dew!
Little Brother AJ would peel off and give screaming flight
To the Vicious, Red Winged Condor;
(Or, Cardinal, to the Papillion-deprived!)
And I would tear up that hill,
Tree those Deadly, Saber-Toothed squirrels,
And I would look back down the hill,
At You,
And I would shout;

“Did you see me Daddy? Did you see? Did you see?”
I almost got those `ol Squirrels!!

And you would laugh, and say
“Yes, my Beloved,
I saw you! You almost got `em that time!
And they better watch out! You`ll get `em next time!

And I was so proud!

I Remember;

That Park,
The one you called Ryelee’s Park,
Because you thought it was my favorite?

I never told you,
But the reason I loved it so,
Was because You were there with me!
And You so enjoyed watching me chase those ‘ol field mice!

I Remember;

All those trails we went on,
Strutting,
With Little Brother AJ!
You Loved to watch how me and Little Brother AJ,
We would strut magnificently down that Trail,
So close, As if joined at the hip!
You laughed and called us “Siamese Papillons!”
And how all the people on the trail would admire us!

*Transcribers note
(Because you two were so very Beautiful, Ryelee!)

How beautiful those many times and places were!
Because We were together.
The Beauty of those special places was made Special,
Because we Loved each other so much!

I Remember;

When You had to leave us.
When You HAD TO GO,
To someplace called “work”? Your Practice?
How I hated to be apart from You!
And I know You did too,
Because You told me so!

But,
You also told me that You

“Would always come back to Me!”.

And You always did!

Oh, how I loved to see You come smiling through that Door!
I was beside myself with Joy, and Happiness, and LOVE!!
And I sensed in You that same indescribable JOY and Happiness!
And Love!

Oh, the Love we had for one another!
It made our World, my Life, so wonderful! So complete.

I Remember;

But, this time,
For some reason,
I got scared when You walked away,
And turned around, away from me!

I didn’t understand;
You wouldn’t look at me!
And I thought,

Somethings wrong!

And I rushed to be by Your side!
Then I heard from You those dreaded words.
No! Stop!

And I realized, too late,
That for all of our “training,”

I had let You down.

And I knew, and had prepared myself for
A well-deserved Scolding.
But,

I`ll never forget!
You came to me.
Walked me gently back to my place.
Told me to lay down.
And then,
You stroked my back!
Soooo Lovingly!

Right where you knew was my favorite spot!
And told me that it was OK.
That I was a Very Good Pappy,
And that You would always Love me!
NO MATTER WHAT!

Wow.
WOW!
I screwed up.
And instead of a scolding,
You said that You would always Love me!

But;

I Remember;

And You told me not to feel bad
That we could NEVER let each other down,
Not when it counted!
And,
That I was now,
And would always be,

“The Best in My Show,
And the Champion of My Heart!”

Golly!
It just doesn’t get any better than that!
Am I one lucky Pappy, or what?

So many good times.
So much Happiness!
So much Joy!
So much LIFE! , so much!

As full of ourselves as we were;
We couldn’t believe how lucky we were!!

Many, Many happy years would pass;
Until;

I Remember;

When my Heart, So full of Love for You,

Began to fail.

Something called “Congestive Heart Failure Secondary to Mitral Valve Insufficiency”
Yeah, Whatever. They gave me “a couple of months,,,,maybe.
Guess we showed them, didn’t we? It was almost two years!
And it wasn’t’ my “bad heart” that got me!
They just did”n’t know what a team we were,
You being a “Heart Specialist”
And me being a Pap!

I Remember;
After we learned of my diagnosis
After a long night spent together,
Talking. Sharing. Caring. Loving! Planning.
But most of all;
LOVING.

And then, to make matters worse,
You would “sing” to me!

It was the only time I ever regretted my superior hearing!
We used to harmonize all night long
And we laughed so hard!

It was all part of the game.
But, even then,
I could feel your pain.
As You watched me.
As You realized that one day, all too soon,
I would not be there.

I Remember;

How You and Mommy cared for me.
You found ways to make my “Pill Time” so very fun!
You would say “Run! Jump on the Bed”!

Prosciutto Ham was my favorite!

I Remember;

When I had to go out so often through the night,
Because of the Pills,
How I used to belly crawl up above Your head
And lick Your face, until you would wake up!
(I knew you were already awake, it was all just part of the game!)

Then You would whisper softly to me.
Tell me of your Love.
Reassure me that you had my Back.
That everything would be OK.
Because You would never let anything bad happen to me!

Then we would Laugh, LAUNCH off the bed!
Out, into the night! Into the Jungle of our imagination!

I Remember;

Much Later, In those last couple weeks.
I seemed to know, seemed to sense something.
(We Paps are like that, we know things even YOU don’t!)
Coming in, after all the fun we had at night,
Out in the back yard/jungle of our imagination.
When, back in bed,
I would steal up beside you,
Reach out my paw, and softly,
EVER so softly;
Push on your side.

I knew then. I knew.
It would not be OK;
It would never be OK, again.

That despite this magnificent Love we shared,
Despite everything you were doing for me,
and would continue to do;

I would have to leave you.

And you Held me.
Just Held Me.
As you had for so, so many years.
You tried to reassure me.

But I felt Your tears;
And, I felt the pain in your Heart.

Great pair, weren’t we?
Lying in bed together,
Loving each other so much,
That it hurt?

But,
Realizing that “Life measure quality; not its length”,

We went on.
Until THAT night.
Until That horrible night.

I Remember;

That horrible night!

I don’t know what caused me to miss,
That long hassock Mommy had placed by our bed,
So I wouldn’t hurt myself when I jumped down.

But I did miss.

And, I did hurt myself.

Something in my back,

And suddenly,

My back end wouldn’t work!
I couldn’t move my hind legs!
And it hurt!
It hurt so bad!
So I dragged myself into my Cave;

And then, quickly

There You Were!

You so very gently picked me up,
Held me close, and said;

“I got you”

And immediately,
I felt better. Reassured.
You were there!
You would take care of me!
As You had for all of my life.
And nothing bad could happen
That You couldn’t fix!

But; I still hurt.
And I still couldn’t move my hind legs.
And,
I could feel something in you,
Something I had never felt before!

Fear!!!!
You were scared!!
YOU?
Were Scared??

YOU???

You took me to Mommy, While you called and got dressed
Who held me close, and whispered her Love
And deep concern for me.

She was scared also.

Then you came back, and, together,
You carried me out to the Car.
The Car I loved so much!
As it had carried me and AJ to so many wonderful places!
But.
We were not going to any of those places,
Not that night.
NOT that horrible night.

I Remember;

Mommy wanted to come,
But had to stay with AJ.
Who was also scared!
For me?
FOR ME!
Because He Loved me too!

Mommy placed me gently in the front seat,
In my bed that You had carried out so I would be comfortable.
She hugged me softly,
Told me how much She loved me.

But,
I couldn’t move my back legs to go to her.
And,
It. Still. Hurt!

I Remember,

When we got to the Doctor Place,
They wouldn’t let You go into the back with me,
Even though they knew You were a People Doctor!

That made me even scareder.
But as they gently took me to the back,
I heard You say that You still had my back!
That You loved me!
And would NEVER leave me!
That made me so proud!
And I knew that I could be tough. And good!
So You would be proud of me!
For You!
I could do that!
For You!
*Transcribers note;
OH, I WAS so very Proud of You, My Beloved! Then, and ALWAYS! But especially then!
But.
I still hurt.
And, I still could not move my back legs!
I was so scared!
So scared!

We were “Running Against the Wind.”

Finally,
After they had taken all their “pictures”
And drawn all their tests,
They put me in a soft, warm place,
And let You come back and be with me.

Gosh!
I was NEVER so happy to see You!
I knew that if You were there,
You would not let anything bad happen to me!
I wanted so much to dance up on my hind legs,
Because, as I danced,
I would push my head through my outstretched front paws!
Which you told me once that you had never seen any Pap do before!

But.
I still couldn’t move my hind legs.
And even my front paws were getting stiff!
Hard to move.

And I still hurt!

I Remember;

You had some long, agonizing talks with them;
I could tell You were dealing with some very tough issues!
And; You were hurting!
Bad!

I Remember;

After all the talks;
After all was said and done,
They left You with me, In that room.
And You held me in your arms!
SO LOVINGLY!
And I felt so better,
Knowing it was just me and You.

And now;
You would make things right!
And we could go Home!
And be with You and Mommy!
Yes, and even Little Brother AJ!
(Even though he was a pain in the Patootey, We did Love each other!)

Golly, I so wanted to go home!
SO BAD!!!

But.
I still hurt.
And I still could not move my back legs!
And it was getting worse!

I Remember;

And that nothing could be done.

You see, You and I;
We could always communicate without talking!
We KNEW what each other was thinking!
And, more importantly,
We knew what was in each other’s HEART.

I Remember;

Without me.

It was then that I understood.

That my days, so full of Life, Love, Joy.,,,,

Were coming to an end.

That I had run out of Tomorrows.

That no matter how much WE wanted too;

I wasn’t going Home.
Anymore.

We had always though,
You and I,
We would live forever!!
Be together always!!!
But,
Now I saw,
Now, I could see.
That I, would have to leave You.
That You would have to stay behind.
That this time,
You would not be able to come back for me.

Anymore.

Oh, How I wanted to reach out to You!
Tell You of my Love!
But most of all,

MY TRUST.

That You would do “The Right Thing”
That You would do what was best,
For Me.
“Even if it meant we would have to part!”

You see;
I knew that With a Love such as ours,
Nothing could keep us apart !!
NOT Even Death!
That this would just be; A temporary thing!
I knew,
That even though we were apart,
And that we would grieve so horribly,
And miss each other so very terribly!

You need to understand something here;
That it is in MY nature, that even in my pain,
My panic that I couldn’t move, my fear of the Journey
I was about to undertake,

WITHOUT YOU,

I WAS MORE CONCERNED FOR YOU,
FOR YOUR PAIN, YOUR FEAR, YOUR PANIC!
I COULD FEEL THE AWFUL PAIN IN YOUR HEART!
AND I WANTED SO BAD FOR YOU TO KNOW,

That my overwhelming feeling was NOT of betrayal,

But gratitude.

That’s right,

GRADITUDE!

Along with the most amazing LOVE!
You and Mommy have given me the MOST WONDERFUL LIFE
Any Pap could ever hope for!
YOU took us EVERYWHERE with you!
You made our Lives revolve about each other!
ALL OVER THE COUNTRY; all the people! All the Family!
YOU MADE US YOUR FAMILY!
YOU took me on HUNDREDS of Trails! Some with Big Names,
Some with small names, some with no names,
But all with the most wonderful sights,
Marvelous sounds,,and,the most delicious SMELLS!!
But most of all, the all-encompassing, tremendous LOVE!!!
OH, we SO LOVED each other. It made my Life
The BEST IT POSSIBLY BE!

NOBODY EVER HAD IT ANY BETTER!

And for that, and many other things,
WHAT I feel FOR YOU, IS,
the most incredible LOVE and GRADITUDE!
FOR YOU!

I even remember, early on, when I was still jealous, Of AJ, Because he was “First Pap” and I thought
I had to “earn” my way into Mommys Heart;
When I picked up my favorite toy, a big Cloth ring,
and flipped it over my head, for Mommy to see me!

She looked at me, and said,

“My Little Clown”

With such Love in her voice, and her eyes;

Silly me. I thought I needed to earn my way into Her Heart;
I didn’t realize.
I was already there!

You and I of course, were already an item!

Now, for the hard part.
You need to NOT let my leaving tear such a hole In your Heart.
You see, there are others of my type, who need you!
Who need and deserve, your incredible LOVE!

Of course, it won’t be as ours. That, My Beloved Heart Human,
Could never be surpassed.
We, are an “ALL TIME HIGH!”
A Once in a Lifetime Love.

The thing about a Once in a Lifetime Love is,
It only comes about, well,
Once in a Lifetime!

You see, it is also in my kinds nature,,,,, It’s not so much
That we Love, but that we ARE Love!
(Go Figgure!)
And, with their Love, they will help you heal.
Believe me, NOTHING will EVER change the LOVE
I feel for you, my Beloved Heart Human.
WHERE EVER I end up, I will wait for the wonderful day
That we are reunited. “Your Place I`ll Hold”,,,
If it helps, think of how wonderful a day that will be!!!
I CAN’T WAIT!!!

But, as for now; I know something!
That EVEN YOU don’t!
Something that You had ALWAYS told me!

That,
YOU WOULD ALWAYS COME BACK FOR ME!
And you always did!

But,
This time,

I, WOULD COME BACK,

FOR YOU!!

(Dr. Bill takes over here)

Ok, My Beloved.
That’s enough.,,,, For now. I can’t take it anymore.
It Hurts too bad; Now and for always.

What transpired in Our Last Moments Together;
When the Angels came for You,
Is, And shall remain,

Between You and I.
And Our Lord.
Until we meet again.

And, My Beloved,
You can “Come back for me” Any Time.
I’m so ready to be with You again!
Revisit that Wondrous Love,
That only You and I Shared!

I will tell you this;
That when you left me, When I felt you go,
It tore my Heart into pieces.
I have NEVER felt so much Pain.
And, quite spontaneously,
I Prayed.
I Prayed the hardest, most sincere Prayer
I have EVER Prayed!
I Asked, Begged, Pleaded with God
To put you at His Right Hand,
And to take very GOOD care of You!
That You were the BEST!
AND,
I didn’t want to wait.

Still don’t.

I really, REALLY need to be with You again!
That I already missed you So very badly.
And I needed Him to help me,
Because I didn’t know what to do.
How could I go on?
Without You?
I still don’t Know!

AFTERWORD.

So.
Why do we do this, you think?
Why do we, We “Happy Few”
Why do we put our Hearts out there?
When we know it will end badly for us and Them??
Pap People call them “Heart Dogs.”
Probably because, when they leave,
They take our Heart with Them.
And what little is left,,,,,Is Badly Broken.
I never realized what that meant;;;
Until Ryelee left.